Time

I have a decent self esteem when I look at my personal attributes and potential, and a devastating sense of loss when I look at my level of accomplishment. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the decisions I've made in my past and how my life would have turned out differently. I run countless scenarios in my head about how things would have gone if I had just done this or not done that. I also spend a lot of time thinking about how I will be different in the future, when my circumstances change. I will be able to get my life going when thing X in my life is gone or when thing Y comes along. I run the simulations in my head and prepare for those days and those decisions. 

And then..... then I sit back and look at what those two things have in common. What do different choices in the past and preparing for hypotheticals in the future have in common that lets them be such a huge difference between boundless success and obscure mediocrity? Neither of them happens now. They are the past and the future and have little to do with my choices today. They are somehow special and different than the drudgery of the common moment I live in. 

It seems that I have tremendous power over life at any time other than today. I can have amazing influence on my own life and others when I'm not here, not now. At least that's how I perceive it, and if you really think about it, it's total nonsense. All that exists is now. The past was just a different now you made mediocre choices in and the future will feel no different than today, because it will just be another unremarkable today when it arrives. 

You notice the same pattern in thinking in all people about all things- not just personal issues. Some people look to the past as a glittering paradise lost to us somehow and at risk of slipping away forever. Others lament being born in this time and would give anything to see the wonders of the future. Both the past and the future (whether you are optimistic or pessimistic about them) seem infinitely more exciting and powerful. But if we are rational, if we are realistic, we must begrudgingly acknowledge that neither conception is likely to be true. When we dig around the past we find cracks in the facade and if we examine a single moment of history as we would examine a current moment (without the benefit of hindsight), it is just as jumbled and can feel just as stagnant as the now. 

And if we look at the future realistically? No matter what set of ideas become the new norm, no matter what progress is made, human nature will remain much the same. We may become better or worse as a whole but if we're being truly honest with ourselves, the overall condition of humanity is not what gets in the way of our personal progress in the now. We are frustrated because everything is so damn complicated and everything and everyone seems to be going a thousand different directions and will not cooperate with the goals we are trying to accomplish. Unfortunately, there will always be a huge diversity of ideas and conflicting goals. Humans are, above all, social creatures and we will always be doomed to the frustrations of our mutual dependence on each other - these strange creatures that have their own minds and feelings and desires that are too complex to fit neatly together. If they did, if our minds became so similar, our goals so one directional, and our feelings so uniform that cooperation was not supremely frustrating then we would have lost much of our value as a species. If either humanity or the world becomes simple enough to fit into the concerns and goals of one person then we are totally screwed. 

The world will always be bigger than us and too complex for everyone to focus on what we are focused on. Life will never be simple enough for everyone to be concerned with only a small agreed on set of goals or to fit their differing priorities neatly together. I don't say this out of pessimism. It is just an acknowledgement of a trick our brain plays on us constantly. In everything from movies to the state of society our brains are almost designed for past and future idealization and frustration with the present. The reason for this is the following perception:

The problem with that perception?

Slightly closer to accurate perception:














The problem is, in many ways, the human brain has only one scale and we stretch or compress things to fit it. We perceive the now, the past, and the future to be things that can be compared side by side. The problem is that even if you are only looking at a tiny portion of the past it is still HUGE. The same goes for the future. The present is an amazingly finite thing, but it also everything that currently exists.  The past and the future are enormous and composed of many many presents. Our brain is not good at perceiving things on scales so large and so small so it just picks a size. As we stand back to look at another time and take in the whole picture the detail is lost. The details and "irrelevant" data that fills any current moment blend together into something much simpler and grand.

When we look at the big picture of the past, or our vision of the future we see something epic and exciting. Something full of meaning. What we see when we look at the present is an endless sea of meaningless details. I becomes easy to idealize the past and future. And then we can imagine that our impact on either would be greater than anything we could do in the stagnant chaos around us now.

Even when looking at something so small as our own lifespan we do this. We see our youth as a whole, comparable to our present, but holding much more power over our life. Even our own past is composed of many many 'current' moments and it is rare that any one of them really had more power than the one we inhabit now. Of course that one moment could have changed the course of events and lead to a vastly different present, but we tend to think of JUST that moment and not all of the ones after it we would have had to make different choices. To make different choices now and in the next 'now' and the next would add up to just as much influence. We can't take back the past but our control on our present is no weaker than it was in the past and it won't get any stronger in the future.

Religion and all that jazz

I really don't understand religion a lot of the time. Not because I believe that suffering in the world precludes the possibility of a loving God but because of the incomprehensible way many religious people combine those two factors in their personal belief system. So much of what I see of Christianity especially has to do with God being a personal guardian and caretaker of sorts. I am constantly seeing the attitude of "if God closes a door He opens a window" or "It will be okay in the end, if it's not okay it's not the end" or constant references to trusting that what appears to be pain and suffering is really just part of a plan where you will be happy in the end.

However, it seems impossible to deny that this is not the case for many many people. There are undeniably  devout people who suffer miserable circumstances all of their lives, people who never lost faith in God who die alone and in misery. There are so many cases where there is clearly no window for the door that closed and the end came when things were clearly not okay.

There are two different reactions to this from the faithful. One is that it is all part of God's plan. The second option is that those injustices are due to the failure of human beings and that God could not prevent such things without robbing us of free will. Both can be rational explanations and do not defy logic in and of themselves, but the behavior of those that believe in those explanations confuses me to no end.

If you are a follower of the first explanation (that unspeakable, permanent suffering can be part of God's plan) then I do not understand the quotes and sayings about trusting that your life will get better. Perhaps God's plan will involve you becoming happy in the end, but perhaps not. There seems to be a thick level of denial that God's plan could ever be bad for you personally. But if God loves everyone equally and if many faithful have never received happiness on earth then that may very well be your fate too. This explanation strips faith of almost all comfort and sense of safety. God is not a caretaker, but a force trying to bring the universe to some divine end, sometimes at the expense of all earthly happiness for some of His children. Given the possibility of heavenly comfort and reward and the greater good assumed to be accomplished by that earthly suffering I can accept that this could be compatible with a loving and just God. I just don't understand His follower's attitude and behavior if that is indeed the case. I could understand this explanation if adherents did not seem to equate absolute faith if God with absolute faith that their life will turn out for the better. With this type of belief, absolute faith in God would mean the very real possibility that your life will turn out terribly no matter how you live your life or how much you believe. It will be for a greater purpose you don't understand, but it may still be horrible. Believers are behaving in a very contradictory way every time they assure someone that a situation will end well if they have faith and let God work in their lives.

The other explanation for extreme suffering is that it is not part of God's plan, but is rather caused by human failings. Here again, faith is stripped of it's comfort and safety because if God could not prevent others from suffering due to human created conditions, you are no different. There may be ways God can help but there may not be. Again, the saying that God will open a window or that it will turn out okay in the end if you just have faith is rendered a truth only true for some. Again, this does not preclude the possibility of a loving God, but it again makes the behavior of many believers nonsensical. You cannot just "let go and let God" and trust in him as they advocate. You certainly can maintain faith of God and in His love for you, but much of the outcome becomes the responsibility of human beings and of yourself. Also, if the unspeakable suffering of others is not God's plan then the lack of attention to fighting such conditions in the world is inexcusable. If God's children are suffering and dying in ways he never intended, how man one prioritize anything over the pursuit of social justice in the world?

What I see is the subconscious belief that we are special. That those that suffer are somehow different than yourself and those you are close to. God's plans are different for those types of people or that the human caused suffering they endure just isn't that bad somehow. It's out of your control but not God's fault either.

I can understand believing in God, but I simply do not understand most religions and most of their followers. There are some within those religions who show the sobered attitude and sense of urgency one would expect given the world view they adhere to, but they seem so rare and there seem to be just as many non-Christian or non-religious people with their dedication to the world.

I don't think religion is a bad thing and I don't think a belief in God is irrational. But when I hear someone say that everything will be okay or that I need to keep faith and in God's plan for my life, I simply cannot take them seriously, not even by measuring their advice against their own beliefs rather than my own.

And we're back....

Relationships and jobs have come and gone but I'm going to try once more. Promises have been made and I need a change so blog I shall again. I wish I'd kept it up during all that time because the times we're too busy for this kind of thing are the times that are actually interesting. I must remember that.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is a made-up holiday that invariably makes most people at least moderately miserable most of the time... yes there are some good years...a few exceptions to the rule (for people besides me apparently)....but ultimately.... valentine's day is an imaginary friennemy.



bitch....

Happy Birthday Aki!!!

Oh, and by the way, Saturday we celebrated Aki's birthday (which was actually on Sunday and now I'm writing about it on Monday).

We went to the Native American Museum in DC which was pretty interesting. My only true issue was the following:

I mean.....seriously?????


But anyway, the decay of American culture aside, we had a great time and I got lots of walking in. Sunday was still a bust in terms of fitness but it always is...

Saturday was also kind of nice because some of my friends got to meet my new date. It was a bit of a culture clash and I started wondering myself why I haven't cultivated closer relationships with a few non-church members to round out the group, but everyone seemed to have good impressions of each other.

Pissed

Things are always just easier when I'm by myself. I'm comfortable with it and I know exactly how to handle myself and my life. It works. It's really easy to convince myself I prefer it. Nothing bugs me more than moments I have to admit I don't.

I was raised to be able to handle being alone. On the one hand I'm grateful, after seeing friends define themselves by their relationships, lose themselves in the search, or measure themselves by their success or failure with other people. On the other hand, I have never been so fucking pissed about anything. A) Because a lot of it didn't feel like a choice, and B) no extreme is healthy, even if it involves less risk and drama.

So I'm angry, I'm angry I missed out. Oddly I'm most angry that I missed out on being angry. I missed out on being a teenager and telling my parents what rotten parents they were for messing me up. I missed out on that consequence, guilt free anger where I could just believe they were screw ups and I was entitled to better. But I'm not a teenager now and kicking my parents for sacrificing everything to do what they thought was best for me is not the cathartic outlet it could have been back then. I can't ignore the upside to what they did, all the things they were hoping for when they made those choices. And more than anything else I can't do that to them. I missed that stage of life where it was about what I needed. I missed out on it being about me and now all it would end up being is me kicking them when they can't handle it anymore, when they need me.

I can't even say I'd go back and change anything. I can't say I wish I was much different. I just wish I was better at things and that my life was a bit different, and frankly that's totally my issue and no one else's. Not to mention, if that's the worst thing I have to complain about then I'm just a total pussy.

And we're back

Ok, finally got back to the gym yesterday and I'm feeling pretty good again. Going again tonight and I really need to make up for some lost time :)

Maybe I'll try the hot tub afterwards - I haven't had the time or motivation to do that before....plus there's all those old ladies who are WAY too comfortable with their bodies........female only spa sounded like such a selling point when I signed up...