Not Bad

Ok, so I only crapped out for about 3 months during the cancer incident. What was my track record before that? I fear to go back and look.

Mom finished her radiation treatment one or two weeks ago and is slowly getting back on her feet. Most of the major side effects have gotten much better but the energy deficit is still huge.

I have been a hermit for the most part, just leaving to go to work and see my mom. On the weekends I'd drive out to see my dad on my own because my mom couldn't make it anymore. Things are relatively stable with him but the temporal part of the dementia is definitely causing more anxiety for him when he's fixated on a scheduled event and feels time is stuck or something similar (hard to tell since it's hard for him to be articulate in that state and he doesn't really remember afterwards). On the plus side, when he's not in a fixated state he's still very lucid and acts like himself. The shift can be a little disturbing and heartbreaking but it's usually predictable before scheduled meals, trips, or us leaving after the visit.

Ok, so the "Not Bad" title of this post is starting to seem sarcastic. I'm gonna leave it though.

Anyway, good news:

Eric and Coree both have decent jobs and Eric is back in school for something he likes (fingers crossed he keeps liking it....I think it's his 3rd or 4th career). I do think this one suits him though. They've gotten progressively better- his first one was a terrible idea. I can say that because it was my first idea too :(

Bethany had her baby (James) and he is adorable. Hopefully in a few months she'll visit home to show the baby off to family and friends.

My job performance has much improved (I think). I asked for an employee evaluation and will get my feedback sometime next week.

Joined a science book club and read a book on the history and current state of human sanitation which was utterly disgusting but fascinating. The meetup for the poo book was also enjoyable and the people seem nice. Don't know how I'm going to get through the next book (global warming) though. I'd much prefer gross to boring.

So. We're back. Hopefully I can keep this up.

12/22/12

Today Joy and I got the tree up and decorated. It fits well with both the house and where we are in our lives. I also had my first day back at Weight Watchers. When you're re-joining yet AGAIN and the person knows you by name walking up to the counter it probably doesn't speak well about your staying power. But, of course, I just KNOW it's going to be different this time. Got mom to go with me. I can't help feeling bad about pressuring her about this kind of thing when she's in such a difficult place but I can see her deteriorating and I'm terrified of what will happen if she continues like this. I don't know if she's in denial or just figures she's too far gone. In any event, I can do what I can to keep it from happening to me and try to inspire and support her in doing better. I'm very tempted to go back to facebook because I want to share some of the little moments that have been happening but I need to remind myself that that isn't really connecting with people. Even if it is in some sense I have let is substitute more meaningful contact way too much. 

12/21/12

Got presents wrapped and to the post office today. They are now on their way to Mobile and Seattle. Spending time in a post office made me appreciate how older people feel when dealing with computer technology. I had no clue what I was doing to a point I couldn't be bothered by the raised eye-brow of disdain sported by the woman behind the counter.

12/20/12

Good news came today. Mom's cancer has not spread and she will not need chemo. I sent a video of her playing the voice mail message to Eric and Coree, along with a video of the little singing bear singing Feliz Navidad. Afterwards Joy, Victor, and I went to get a Christmas tree- the first one for all of us in our own home rather than our parents. It's a cheap and sort of ugly little thing but that's part of the charm. It's probably not healthy to have an expensive and beautiful tree as your first. It's strange to have all this Christmas stuff going on during this point in life. I don't find it depressing but it seems odd and even a little intrusive at times.

Dec 19th 2012

The very day after my new determination I completely sabotaged myself. I undermined virtually everything I had committed to do differently. The only positive about today is that I'm going to face it on paper tonight, own up to it and move past it tomorrow. Now I'm going to drink wine and watch a documentary or "Arrested Development".

I don't know why today was such a bust, including the fact that it's 7:30pm and I don't feel like I can do anything but go to bed. The last couple weeks have been hard. I've helped move my father to a full time care facility because of early onset dementia and have watched him lose virtually everything that made him the person he was. Within 2 weeks we also found out that my mom has cancer and are waiting on results that will tell us if it will just be radiation or if it is extensive and will need chemo. I wonder if I'm being too hard on myself but also recognize that these worries to not make me to busy to do positive things and succumbing to the need to tune out and escape does nothing for anyone, least of all myself.

I have wished for too long that my life was different. I have to change it. It is with great self-disgust that I make plans to do that tomorrow. It has always been tomorrow. I have to be better than this. 

I need to be better

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/


I am:

-30
-Very overweight
-Not good at my job
-Have no savings
-Have few friends
-Don't go out
-Don't read much
-Eat out too much (see money and weight issues)
-Have a bunch of excuses I debate endlessly in my head

I must stop. To do that I must start doing OTHER things.

Writing

Part of the reason for this blog is that I want to write. Well, I don't know that I want to write, more to the point, I want to care about something. I need a hobby. I need a hobby not because I'm bored but because  I'm never bored. I feel completely content doing nothing. There is a certain zen advantage to that but it has lead me to a place where I can no longer ignore what an under-achiever I am. I realize that I need more stimulation to remain mentally and physically healthy.

More importantly, I need to be an interesting person. There is a marked lack of relationships in my life, not because I am an uncaring person or I am a bad friend. I am actually an excellent friend but I don't form relationships because that usually involves mutual interest, and frankly, I just don't care about THAT. I know I can't be interesting unless I am interested in something else. I need a little passion in my life and a bit of reading and writing may be a good way to find that.

In some ways writing feels like a good place to explore finding a passion because it is the passion of the most passionate person I know. She is passionate about EVERYTHING and anything. When I say she is passionate about writing it doesn't begin to describe it. She spends hours a day writing. She writes fantasy novels by the dozen and keeps a notebook at her side at all times to write down quotes and ideas for her stories. She has a vague and thinly disguised hostility toward JK Rowling because she feels Harry Potter casts too large a shadow over the genre that she loves. After over 10 years of friendship our most vicious friendship-threatening fights were not over relationships, politics, or religion, but were about my comments on her writing and my general dislike of fantasy novels.

She has never done anything at less than 100000% full effort. She is also unflappably perky and in constant need of some kind of project. She is my polar opposite. We have often wondered how we've been such good friends for so long. I guess we just appreciate the different ways we see things. I suppose it comes down to one fundamental difference in how we approach the world and problems. She is a constructionist and I am a deconstructionist. I like to open things up and see how they work. She likes to start with a clean slate and create something from scratch. I like to dig and she likes to climb.

The trouble with my approach is that I need something already there. I need something to take apart and become fascinated with. I need to remind myself to seek that out, or all my potential will just sit there and rot.  So, I guess that's why I'm doing this. I'm pushing myself to write and seek out something to think about, take apart and find my creativity with. Wish me luck.