A lot of anxiety this weekend. Objectively it's nothing more than usual stuff. I'm the unusual factor. I can't say I didn't get a good start in life. I had a good family and a lot more than many people get. There are things I would certainly do differently for my kids but that's true for everyone. 

The problem is I don't fit in the life I was brought up in and I wasn't prepared for where I ended up. Getting where I want to be, or even to a place I can live with is just wearing me down. Before now I at least had my family. I know they still love me but everyone is split up and just trying to stay above water.

When I feel overwhelmed it helps to think about people who have it worse. At first it helps. But then it's a matter of seeing myself as someone who has difficulty coping with relatively small things. It's a zero sum activity. And yes I know I should just take it one day at a time and focus on the moment at hand. 

A definite bright spot right now is that my brother and his wife are expecting a baby. It's due around Thanksgiving. We don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet. As frustrated as I am with my own personal life it's good to know I'll be an aunt soon. 

It's also a real comfort that dad will get to experience one grandchild before the end. The progression has been difficult to see but we're extremely lucky in the fact that he's not showing any of the aggression that is common with dementia. It's an inevitable symptom but it looks like we'll be able to avoid it for a while. He is having more trouble eating though because apparently his instinct to chew is getting lower and he tends to gulp food. Right now limiting his diet to relatively soft things and cutting them up first seems to be enough. 

I will definitely be going down to see the new baby when it's born and Coree will be staying up here for a while over Christmas during her maternity leave so dad and the locals can meet it. 

Ok, perfection is my enemy. I set a standard and sabotage myself if I don't think I will fully reach it because somehow it's less scary to fail when you have an excuse (even a self-induced one) or when you just plainly give up. My urge is to try to gather together all the information that has happened between my previous post and now, both to justify my failure to write and to fulfill my need to convey what I want to say either entirely or not at all. I will now attempt to not do that. I took my name off the blog today in the hopes it would make me less fearful of imperfection. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Ultimately I just have to decide to behave differently.

So...without succumbing to the urge to overwhelm myself with the material I failed to post and need to catch up on, I will just post about the 'now' although I detest simplistic advice about abandoning forethought and analysis and simply living in the moment. I know that, in and of itself, is an oversimplification of that philosophy (and rather unfair) but what else is a person supposed to do when they want to ignore the faults of their current neurotic approach to life?

Anyway, I am attempting to be "in the now" right now.....

Now? Now I am feeling happy at getting something done. I've gotten a few good things done today I've been putting off. I am now also criticizing myself for the length of time it took for me to finally do it and for all the things left undone. I am robbing myself of the positive reinforcement that would actually increase my odds of being more productive in the future in the name of the possibility that rewarding minimal productivity will remove the incentive for real productivity. I do this in spite of the fact I have yet to ever praise myself for a minimal accomplishment, yet constantly fail to be even minimally productive because I avoid the problem entirely rather than face my self-imposed criticism for the failure. It's totally working for me.....lol.

I strongly and proudly define myself by my rational and intellectual nature. It is also the rope I use to trip myself with. It's a handy dandy tool for rationalizing and perpetuating some pretty stupid stuff. I perpetually use my intelligence to do more poorly than average rather than a means to be better.

So here, in the now, I am chastising myself for self-sabotage involving chastising myself and avoidance. And just as I am about to lose hope in my meta cluster fuck of a self-evaluation I have to remind myself that other people are often just as messed up but simply aren't as self aware. My detailed analysis gives the illusion of more content to the problem when the details are simply unknown, rather than absent from, other people's issues. I'm not as good as I could and should be but I'm far from a failure and no where near as hopelessly dysfunctional as I sometimes think.

Now watch as I use that self-forgiveness to justify slacking off and not changing anything! Or watch as I actually grow as a person. It will probably be less entertaining....but probably worth it.

Not Bad

Ok, so I only crapped out for about 3 months during the cancer incident. What was my track record before that? I fear to go back and look.

Mom finished her radiation treatment one or two weeks ago and is slowly getting back on her feet. Most of the major side effects have gotten much better but the energy deficit is still huge.

I have been a hermit for the most part, just leaving to go to work and see my mom. On the weekends I'd drive out to see my dad on my own because my mom couldn't make it anymore. Things are relatively stable with him but the temporal part of the dementia is definitely causing more anxiety for him when he's fixated on a scheduled event and feels time is stuck or something similar (hard to tell since it's hard for him to be articulate in that state and he doesn't really remember afterwards). On the plus side, when he's not in a fixated state he's still very lucid and acts like himself. The shift can be a little disturbing and heartbreaking but it's usually predictable before scheduled meals, trips, or us leaving after the visit.

Ok, so the "Not Bad" title of this post is starting to seem sarcastic. I'm gonna leave it though.

Anyway, good news:

Eric and Coree both have decent jobs and Eric is back in school for something he likes (fingers crossed he keeps liking it....I think it's his 3rd or 4th career). I do think this one suits him though. They've gotten progressively better- his first one was a terrible idea. I can say that because it was my first idea too :(

Bethany had her baby (James) and he is adorable. Hopefully in a few months she'll visit home to show the baby off to family and friends.

My job performance has much improved (I think). I asked for an employee evaluation and will get my feedback sometime next week.

Joined a science book club and read a book on the history and current state of human sanitation which was utterly disgusting but fascinating. The meetup for the poo book was also enjoyable and the people seem nice. Don't know how I'm going to get through the next book (global warming) though. I'd much prefer gross to boring.

So. We're back. Hopefully I can keep this up.

12/22/12

Today Joy and I got the tree up and decorated. It fits well with both the house and where we are in our lives. I also had my first day back at Weight Watchers. When you're re-joining yet AGAIN and the person knows you by name walking up to the counter it probably doesn't speak well about your staying power. But, of course, I just KNOW it's going to be different this time. Got mom to go with me. I can't help feeling bad about pressuring her about this kind of thing when she's in such a difficult place but I can see her deteriorating and I'm terrified of what will happen if she continues like this. I don't know if she's in denial or just figures she's too far gone. In any event, I can do what I can to keep it from happening to me and try to inspire and support her in doing better. I'm very tempted to go back to facebook because I want to share some of the little moments that have been happening but I need to remind myself that that isn't really connecting with people. Even if it is in some sense I have let is substitute more meaningful contact way too much. 

12/21/12

Got presents wrapped and to the post office today. They are now on their way to Mobile and Seattle. Spending time in a post office made me appreciate how older people feel when dealing with computer technology. I had no clue what I was doing to a point I couldn't be bothered by the raised eye-brow of disdain sported by the woman behind the counter.

12/20/12

Good news came today. Mom's cancer has not spread and she will not need chemo. I sent a video of her playing the voice mail message to Eric and Coree, along with a video of the little singing bear singing Feliz Navidad. Afterwards Joy, Victor, and I went to get a Christmas tree- the first one for all of us in our own home rather than our parents. It's a cheap and sort of ugly little thing but that's part of the charm. It's probably not healthy to have an expensive and beautiful tree as your first. It's strange to have all this Christmas stuff going on during this point in life. I don't find it depressing but it seems odd and even a little intrusive at times.