Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is a made-up holiday that invariably makes most people at least moderately miserable most of the time... yes there are some good years...a few exceptions to the rule (for people besides me apparently)....but ultimately.... valentine's day is an imaginary friennemy.



bitch....

Happy Birthday Aki!!!

Oh, and by the way, Saturday we celebrated Aki's birthday (which was actually on Sunday and now I'm writing about it on Monday).

We went to the Native American Museum in DC which was pretty interesting. My only true issue was the following:

I mean.....seriously?????


But anyway, the decay of American culture aside, we had a great time and I got lots of walking in. Sunday was still a bust in terms of fitness but it always is...

Saturday was also kind of nice because some of my friends got to meet my new date. It was a bit of a culture clash and I started wondering myself why I haven't cultivated closer relationships with a few non-church members to round out the group, but everyone seemed to have good impressions of each other.

Pissed

Things are always just easier when I'm by myself. I'm comfortable with it and I know exactly how to handle myself and my life. It works. It's really easy to convince myself I prefer it. Nothing bugs me more than moments I have to admit I don't.

I was raised to be able to handle being alone. On the one hand I'm grateful, after seeing friends define themselves by their relationships, lose themselves in the search, or measure themselves by their success or failure with other people. On the other hand, I have never been so fucking pissed about anything. A) Because a lot of it didn't feel like a choice, and B) no extreme is healthy, even if it involves less risk and drama.

So I'm angry, I'm angry I missed out. Oddly I'm most angry that I missed out on being angry. I missed out on being a teenager and telling my parents what rotten parents they were for messing me up. I missed out on that consequence, guilt free anger where I could just believe they were screw ups and I was entitled to better. But I'm not a teenager now and kicking my parents for sacrificing everything to do what they thought was best for me is not the cathartic outlet it could have been back then. I can't ignore the upside to what they did, all the things they were hoping for when they made those choices. And more than anything else I can't do that to them. I missed that stage of life where it was about what I needed. I missed out on it being about me and now all it would end up being is me kicking them when they can't handle it anymore, when they need me.

I can't even say I'd go back and change anything. I can't say I wish I was much different. I just wish I was better at things and that my life was a bit different, and frankly that's totally my issue and no one else's. Not to mention, if that's the worst thing I have to complain about then I'm just a total pussy.

And we're back

Ok, finally got back to the gym yesterday and I'm feeling pretty good again. Going again tonight and I really need to make up for some lost time :)

Maybe I'll try the hot tub afterwards - I haven't had the time or motivation to do that before....plus there's all those old ladies who are WAY too comfortable with their bodies........female only spa sounded like such a selling point when I signed up...

Anxiety

Anxiety is not an indication that anything bad is or is going to happen.

Anxiety is an emotional and physical sensation made up of numerous factors...many of which have no connection to the objective reality of a situation.

Anxiety is a valid feeling but not a valid basis for behavior.

This is my mantra for the day.....

Ugh

Snowy rainy misery.....
So many people out of the office there's no one to talk to...
Solicitors keep calling and calling and calling....
The minor precipitation will lead to an apocalyptic commute home today....

Why is the week only half over?

Must Focus Must Focus Must Focus

Ok, so it's been 3 (4?) days since I've been to the gym and I've slipped a couple blogs too.....BAD CHRISTINA!!!

Anyway, I will not lose focus!!!! (yet)

I think I need to talk about something besides fitness (because that's where my mind has been). I'm in the early stages of a new relationship (there needs to be another word for it at this state....relationship feels too weird) I mean I guess it's not a relationship yet but I think it's headed there....I find myself saddened on a deep existential level when I catch myself thinking thoughts like 'yes we spend all this time together and seem to be having an awesome time....but he still hasn't updated his relationship status on Facebook....should I ask?'
On the other hand, neither have I and there's a ton of actual 'relationship' stuff I'm desperately avoiding at the moment so......I think I might officially be 15 years old.

I am smarter than this! Good lord, of all the measures of a relationship why on earth am I worried about that one??? Why am I so freakin hesitant to relax and enjoy myself before I see that stupid little heart icon pop up in my news feed? Because I'm 15....I am totally 15 years old....shit.

Still having a blast though....

Another date tomorrow :)

(and no, a mid-week date is not a sign he's not that into you when the guy doesn't work a Mon-Fri schedule)  :-P

Super Bowl Weekend

Super Bowl!!!!

Ok, so both my goal of posting everyday and going to the gym tend to flutter out the window on the weekend in a blur of "I have plenty of time....I'll do it later today" and "Is it X o'clock already? Well at the very least I shou- zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

Saturday went ok, I was down at my weigh in but have yet to get rid offall of the 'baggage' from last week. I'm hopeful...I just have to make up for what happened the next day at the Super Bowl.....it's not a supportive environment for maintaining one's health. Oops.

Other concerns aside, the Super Bowl party was a lot of fun. We all started out in the big room with the web broadcast projected on the wall...but as anyone who saw that knows, television's distaste for internet broadcasting resulted in the (almost certainly intentional) complete suckiness of that option (kiss my ass Dwight Shroot, you soulless sellout.....I'd say something about the Navy Seals here too but I don't have the balls for that one). So, basically we ended up all piling into the small room with the real TV. Very cozy.

Also, poor little Aidan turned 5 that day so there was cake along with the rest of the junk food orgy. I guess I did ok under the circumstances. I just feel a little bad for Aidan....I get annoyed enough at careless parents who have children on or near Christmas, but the Super Bowl??? If you truly loved him you would have induced a week or two early so the poor kid doesn't have to share his special day with people who's attentions are most certainly elsewhere.

Anticipation

Tomorrow I weigh in again.....after last week's devastating GAIN despite going to the gym every day.

So I'm sitting here and occasionally my thoughts wander to that.....every so often the random co-worker might cock their head to the side wondering if they just heard an ever so quietly uttered expletive....But overall....I'm actually feeling pretty good.

I have no idea why I'm so hesitant to talk about other things on this little blog right now - especially since at this point only one other person even knows about it....but I just am. I like being in my own head....it's safe in there.....messed up to be sure, but it's my own personal messed up and I'm comfortable in there.

I'm not supposed to feel that way. I'm not supposed to be suspicious and weirded out by the fact that I'm happy lately.....I'm not supposed to say "supposed to" when it comes to feelings because there "is no right or wrong" when it comes to emotions (just actions).........this is the nonsensical back and forth a psychology degree will get you.....that and a job as a receptionist  (unless of course you do all the volunteering/interning in college I totally should have done....sigh.....working on my plan B...more on that later I guess)

Ah, there's that melancholy I'm so comfortable with....Hmmmm....nope, actually still pretty happy right now.

Fail

My gym provides towels so you don't have to bring your own...

Pros: Don't have to bring your own towels, very convienient, don't have to take wet towel home with you, less laundry etc etc etc

Con: The possibility of forgetting to pick up a towel when you go to shower and having to make that awkward post-shower decision whether to try drying off with your gym cloths or make the soaking-wet-in-your-work-cloths walk of shame back to your locker.

:-)

Boys can be pretty nice when they want to be.......Last night started with me locking my keys in my car and it still went really well....maybe I should try doing that again.