12/22/12

Today Joy and I got the tree up and decorated. It fits well with both the house and where we are in our lives. I also had my first day back at Weight Watchers. When you're re-joining yet AGAIN and the person knows you by name walking up to the counter it probably doesn't speak well about your staying power. But, of course, I just KNOW it's going to be different this time. Got mom to go with me. I can't help feeling bad about pressuring her about this kind of thing when she's in such a difficult place but I can see her deteriorating and I'm terrified of what will happen if she continues like this. I don't know if she's in denial or just figures she's too far gone. In any event, I can do what I can to keep it from happening to me and try to inspire and support her in doing better. I'm very tempted to go back to facebook because I want to share some of the little moments that have been happening but I need to remind myself that that isn't really connecting with people. Even if it is in some sense I have let is substitute more meaningful contact way too much. 

12/21/12

Got presents wrapped and to the post office today. They are now on their way to Mobile and Seattle. Spending time in a post office made me appreciate how older people feel when dealing with computer technology. I had no clue what I was doing to a point I couldn't be bothered by the raised eye-brow of disdain sported by the woman behind the counter.

12/20/12

Good news came today. Mom's cancer has not spread and she will not need chemo. I sent a video of her playing the voice mail message to Eric and Coree, along with a video of the little singing bear singing Feliz Navidad. Afterwards Joy, Victor, and I went to get a Christmas tree- the first one for all of us in our own home rather than our parents. It's a cheap and sort of ugly little thing but that's part of the charm. It's probably not healthy to have an expensive and beautiful tree as your first. It's strange to have all this Christmas stuff going on during this point in life. I don't find it depressing but it seems odd and even a little intrusive at times.

Dec 19th 2012

The very day after my new determination I completely sabotaged myself. I undermined virtually everything I had committed to do differently. The only positive about today is that I'm going to face it on paper tonight, own up to it and move past it tomorrow. Now I'm going to drink wine and watch a documentary or "Arrested Development".

I don't know why today was such a bust, including the fact that it's 7:30pm and I don't feel like I can do anything but go to bed. The last couple weeks have been hard. I've helped move my father to a full time care facility because of early onset dementia and have watched him lose virtually everything that made him the person he was. Within 2 weeks we also found out that my mom has cancer and are waiting on results that will tell us if it will just be radiation or if it is extensive and will need chemo. I wonder if I'm being too hard on myself but also recognize that these worries to not make me to busy to do positive things and succumbing to the need to tune out and escape does nothing for anyone, least of all myself.

I have wished for too long that my life was different. I have to change it. It is with great self-disgust that I make plans to do that tomorrow. It has always been tomorrow. I have to be better than this. 

I need to be better

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/


I am:

-30
-Very overweight
-Not good at my job
-Have no savings
-Have few friends
-Don't go out
-Don't read much
-Eat out too much (see money and weight issues)
-Have a bunch of excuses I debate endlessly in my head

I must stop. To do that I must start doing OTHER things.