12/22/12

Today Joy and I got the tree up and decorated. It fits well with both the house and where we are in our lives. I also had my first day back at Weight Watchers. When you're re-joining yet AGAIN and the person knows you by name walking up to the counter it probably doesn't speak well about your staying power. But, of course, I just KNOW it's going to be different this time. Got mom to go with me. I can't help feeling bad about pressuring her about this kind of thing when she's in such a difficult place but I can see her deteriorating and I'm terrified of what will happen if she continues like this. I don't know if she's in denial or just figures she's too far gone. In any event, I can do what I can to keep it from happening to me and try to inspire and support her in doing better. I'm very tempted to go back to facebook because I want to share some of the little moments that have been happening but I need to remind myself that that isn't really connecting with people. Even if it is in some sense I have let is substitute more meaningful contact way too much. 

12/21/12

Got presents wrapped and to the post office today. They are now on their way to Mobile and Seattle. Spending time in a post office made me appreciate how older people feel when dealing with computer technology. I had no clue what I was doing to a point I couldn't be bothered by the raised eye-brow of disdain sported by the woman behind the counter.

12/20/12

Good news came today. Mom's cancer has not spread and she will not need chemo. I sent a video of her playing the voice mail message to Eric and Coree, along with a video of the little singing bear singing Feliz Navidad. Afterwards Joy, Victor, and I went to get a Christmas tree- the first one for all of us in our own home rather than our parents. It's a cheap and sort of ugly little thing but that's part of the charm. It's probably not healthy to have an expensive and beautiful tree as your first. It's strange to have all this Christmas stuff going on during this point in life. I don't find it depressing but it seems odd and even a little intrusive at times.

Dec 19th 2012

The very day after my new determination I completely sabotaged myself. I undermined virtually everything I had committed to do differently. The only positive about today is that I'm going to face it on paper tonight, own up to it and move past it tomorrow. Now I'm going to drink wine and watch a documentary or "Arrested Development".

I don't know why today was such a bust, including the fact that it's 7:30pm and I don't feel like I can do anything but go to bed. The last couple weeks have been hard. I've helped move my father to a full time care facility because of early onset dementia and have watched him lose virtually everything that made him the person he was. Within 2 weeks we also found out that my mom has cancer and are waiting on results that will tell us if it will just be radiation or if it is extensive and will need chemo. I wonder if I'm being too hard on myself but also recognize that these worries to not make me to busy to do positive things and succumbing to the need to tune out and escape does nothing for anyone, least of all myself.

I have wished for too long that my life was different. I have to change it. It is with great self-disgust that I make plans to do that tomorrow. It has always been tomorrow. I have to be better than this. 

I need to be better

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/


I am:

-30
-Very overweight
-Not good at my job
-Have no savings
-Have few friends
-Don't go out
-Don't read much
-Eat out too much (see money and weight issues)
-Have a bunch of excuses I debate endlessly in my head

I must stop. To do that I must start doing OTHER things.

Writing

Part of the reason for this blog is that I want to write. Well, I don't know that I want to write, more to the point, I want to care about something. I need a hobby. I need a hobby not because I'm bored but because  I'm never bored. I feel completely content doing nothing. There is a certain zen advantage to that but it has lead me to a place where I can no longer ignore what an under-achiever I am. I realize that I need more stimulation to remain mentally and physically healthy.

More importantly, I need to be an interesting person. There is a marked lack of relationships in my life, not because I am an uncaring person or I am a bad friend. I am actually an excellent friend but I don't form relationships because that usually involves mutual interest, and frankly, I just don't care about THAT. I know I can't be interesting unless I am interested in something else. I need a little passion in my life and a bit of reading and writing may be a good way to find that.

In some ways writing feels like a good place to explore finding a passion because it is the passion of the most passionate person I know. She is passionate about EVERYTHING and anything. When I say she is passionate about writing it doesn't begin to describe it. She spends hours a day writing. She writes fantasy novels by the dozen and keeps a notebook at her side at all times to write down quotes and ideas for her stories. She has a vague and thinly disguised hostility toward JK Rowling because she feels Harry Potter casts too large a shadow over the genre that she loves. After over 10 years of friendship our most vicious friendship-threatening fights were not over relationships, politics, or religion, but were about my comments on her writing and my general dislike of fantasy novels.

She has never done anything at less than 100000% full effort. She is also unflappably perky and in constant need of some kind of project. She is my polar opposite. We have often wondered how we've been such good friends for so long. I guess we just appreciate the different ways we see things. I suppose it comes down to one fundamental difference in how we approach the world and problems. She is a constructionist and I am a deconstructionist. I like to open things up and see how they work. She likes to start with a clean slate and create something from scratch. I like to dig and she likes to climb.

The trouble with my approach is that I need something already there. I need something to take apart and become fascinated with. I need to remind myself to seek that out, or all my potential will just sit there and rot.  So, I guess that's why I'm doing this. I'm pushing myself to write and seek out something to think about, take apart and find my creativity with. Wish me luck.

Love & Marriage

Unificationists have arranged marriages. This has become increasingly flexible in recent years but even now anything remotely romantic or sexual is still a martial topic. Growing up, while sexuality within marriage was greatly celebrated, absolutely any romantic contact before you got married was nothing short of adultery. Dating before you got married was being unfaithful to your future spouse. That was literal, without a shred of exaggeration. And getting into another relationship if your spouse died? That's still a bit iffy. Marriage is eternal and while it may be understandable to re-marry if your spouse dies young, it's probably going to cause some problems in the afterlife and should be avoided if at all possible.

The only redeeming thing I can say about it is that it applied equally to both boys and girls, but that still isn't much comfort when trying to date for the first time in your mid to late 20s. I can also attest that it does work for some people. My parents have had a pretty good marriage and by brother and his wife are good together and there are many couples it has worked out for. It just sure as hell didn't work for me.

I never actually got married but was engaged three times. My first kiss was when I was about 24 and was with the second guy I was engaged to. Later on when I started dating I had my second first kiss. He apologized for being too timid to kiss me on the first date. I told him not to worry about it and neglected to mention that his definition of 'timid' was a truly alien concept to me. I also spent the rest of the evening wondering if I had remembered to close my eyes. It seemed ridiculous that you could forget to do that but I think I did. 

Dating isn't a completely alien culture. Unificationists aren't raised out in the desert somewhere where we churn our own butter and crochet bible quotes for fun. I grew up with TV and movies and went to public school and had "secular" friends but being around it and actually doing it yourself are very different experiences. I was nervous and it took a while to get over the awkward initial forays into the dating world and start dating in earnest. But I've always had a snarky sense of humor and been very comfortable hearing and making 'inappropriate' jokes so I don't think a lot of guys picked up on the total lack of dating history. I think I successfully pulled off just coming across as a little weird. 

At least, it works that way in the beginning. But then there's that transition point from going out to actually dating. I suck at that transition point, and it took a while for me to even realize it. The main reason? Sex. Being a virgin in your mid/late 20s is not something guys expect and it wasn't information I was dying to share. I don't know why I avoided even talking about it so much. I guess I thought I'd bring it up when things got further along but I now realize I probably missed the signals that he was trying to move things further along and he just thought I was ignoring him. Looking back, given the fact that I'm not religious and have pretty liberal stances on most things, I can't imagine how else they could have interpreted it without outright guessing at the truth. My first attempts at dating had a tendency to start out well and just fizzle away and that probably has a lot to do with it. 

I still don't know how to correct for it though, the first relationship that actually made it into the relationship phase did so in part because the guy did just guess. He had a very forward personality and he just flat out asked when he thought I was responding strangely. The relationship ended a while later for other reasons but, as painful as that was, I was actually a little excited to have something go badly for reasons totally unrelated to my Moonie awkwardness. 

Bottom line, this transition still sucks a lot and I feel like by the time I catch up to a normal place in the learning curve I'll be a shriveled old woman with facial hair. I know that's largely irrational and I'm an intelligent person who's well adjusted by just about any standard. I just happen to lack experience in this particular area of life. Unfortunately, just lacking experience in this particular are of life happens to fucking suck. But as a rational human being I know that complaining about something like that makes it suck more rather than less and I just need to suck it up and keep going if I want it to be any better.

On the other hand, venting online can also be a healthy outlet on occasion so I'm just going to say that this sucks a few more times and then go so something else. This sucks, Sucks, SUCKS, sucks, Sucks, SUCKS, sucks, Sucks, SUCKS, suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!!!! Not the most grown up paragraph of my life but whatever. 

Happy Retirement

My dad has always been a bit quirky and anxious. Late 2010 and early 2011 were somewhat stressful for him and the family and he seemed a little off. The government contract with the company my dad worked for had run out and he had been let go. He had found another job but was let go from that as well, though he never fully explained why. He was more distant and nervous and his little coping quirks were showing up a lot more.

As it went on, it got worse and more difficult to explain and after my sister-in-law's birthday party we became seriously concerned. He wasn't able to figure some basic things out and his mannerisms seemed very off. A friend of the family had recently suffered a stroke and my mother wondered if he could have had a mini-stroke of some kind that was affecting him. That was the worse case scenario in our minds and we hoped it was just anxiety due to starting yet another new job and that some medication would help.

The doctor he went to see was fairly concerned and he was referred to a neurologist who would eventually refer him to another specialist. During these weeks he was let go from his job again and this time it was clearly because he could not pick up on how to do things. We were getting more and more nervous about what kind of answer we were going to get from the doctor. But as worried as she was, my mother still didn't seem to grasp the reality of the situation. She began helping him update his resume again and look for work. When she told me that I sat down with her and told her it had to stop. He clearly couldn't work and it was time to sit down and look at how to deal with that financially, but not matter what, she needed to tell him it was okay to retire. It should happen now before it came from the doctor. That was the first time I saw a look on her face that I was going to end up seeing a lot of. It's a look someone gets when you point out something painfully obvious and there's a moment of surprise before it silently blends into clarity without any further discussion. So we got some balloons, a cake, some 'happy retirement' cards and party favors and the family went out to dinner and had a little celebration. Shortly after he was diagnosed with Frontotemporal Dimentia.


 More on Frontotemporal Dimentia 

A Former Moonie

I grew up as a Unificationist and remained a pretty devout one into my mid 20s. I'll turn 30 this December so the truth is I haven't spent much time not being a Moonie and I'm not yet entirely sure who I am without it. All I know, is that it's part of my past. It will always be part of who I am but I can no longer define myself by it. The many changes in my life that have occurred in the past couple years have already left me asking a lot of questions about life and the world and, now that Father Moon is dying, I've been reflecting on these things even more. No one is sure how long he has left but it is unlikely he will last more than a few months and may die at any time.

My family members are all still members and are having a range of reactions to this. None of them ever really had the 'personality driven' relationship with the faith. Who Father Moon is has (of course) been important but their relationship to the religion but it was always centered more on it's philosophy and community rather than the man himself. I was on the extreme end of that. I was an active member, a youth minister, and even went to Korea to allow Father Moon to choose a spouse for me. But I never had a type of faith where I saw him as so amazing as to be connected to the divine. I certainly never saw the man as infallible.  But I did all of it anyway. I did it because of my belief in the values the Church had taught me and because of the meaning the religious philosophy had to me. I believed in the faith- the ideas and ideals it was made of, and therefore I was willing to believe in him. I think people outside the Church would undoubtedly be surprised how common that is for members. They cannot imagine adhering to such a strange religion without an unquestioning belief in the man at the center of it. But I did, and the stereotypical doting star-struck member is not as common as one would think. 

I also did not 'break' with the Church as many would assume. There was not fighting, no accusations, no condemning, no renouncing. None of that. My schedule and my ideas simply became less centered on the Church over time and eventually reached a point where I had to ask myself if I was still a member. The answer was no. I don't reject all the Church stands for but I no longer agreed with enough of it to be a believer. I think it has potential to do good in the world but not much more than any other faith or organization. There are aspects of it I am comfortable supporting and aspects I cannot reconcile with my intellect or my conscience.  

I have a fondness for the faith I could never have for any other, but I have an equally deep frustration with it. It was a massive influence on my childhood and nothing brought me more peace or more pain. 

My mother holding me in her lap (Right Side) attending a meeting with Father and Mother Moon (Left Side)

Time

I have a decent self esteem when I look at my personal attributes and potential, and a devastating sense of loss when I look at my level of accomplishment. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the decisions I've made in my past and how my life would have turned out differently. I run countless scenarios in my head about how things would have gone if I had just done this or not done that. I also spend a lot of time thinking about how I will be different in the future, when my circumstances change. I will be able to get my life going when thing X in my life is gone or when thing Y comes along. I run the simulations in my head and prepare for those days and those decisions. 

And then..... then I sit back and look at what those two things have in common. What do different choices in the past and preparing for hypotheticals in the future have in common that lets them be such a huge difference between boundless success and obscure mediocrity? Neither of them happens now. They are the past and the future and have little to do with my choices today. They are somehow special and different than the drudgery of the common moment I live in. 

It seems that I have tremendous power over life at any time other than today. I can have amazing influence on my own life and others when I'm not here, not now. At least that's how I perceive it, and if you really think about it, it's total nonsense. All that exists is now. The past was just a different now you made mediocre choices in and the future will feel no different than today, because it will just be another unremarkable today when it arrives. 

You notice the same pattern in thinking in all people about all things- not just personal issues. Some people look to the past as a glittering paradise lost to us somehow and at risk of slipping away forever. Others lament being born in this time and would give anything to see the wonders of the future. Both the past and the future (whether you are optimistic or pessimistic about them) seem infinitely more exciting and powerful. But if we are rational, if we are realistic, we must begrudgingly acknowledge that neither conception is likely to be true. When we dig around the past we find cracks in the facade and if we examine a single moment of history as we would examine a current moment (without the benefit of hindsight), it is just as jumbled and can feel just as stagnant as the now. 

And if we look at the future realistically? No matter what set of ideas become the new norm, no matter what progress is made, human nature will remain much the same. We may become better or worse as a whole but if we're being truly honest with ourselves, the overall condition of humanity is not what gets in the way of our personal progress in the now. We are frustrated because everything is so damn complicated and everything and everyone seems to be going a thousand different directions and will not cooperate with the goals we are trying to accomplish. Unfortunately, there will always be a huge diversity of ideas and conflicting goals. Humans are, above all, social creatures and we will always be doomed to the frustrations of our mutual dependence on each other - these strange creatures that have their own minds and feelings and desires that are too complex to fit neatly together. If they did, if our minds became so similar, our goals so one directional, and our feelings so uniform that cooperation was not supremely frustrating then we would have lost much of our value as a species. If either humanity or the world becomes simple enough to fit into the concerns and goals of one person then we are totally screwed. 

The world will always be bigger than us and too complex for everyone to focus on what we are focused on. Life will never be simple enough for everyone to be concerned with only a small agreed on set of goals or to fit their differing priorities neatly together. I don't say this out of pessimism. It is just an acknowledgement of a trick our brain plays on us constantly. In everything from movies to the state of society our brains are almost designed for past and future idealization and frustration with the present. The reason for this is the following perception:

The problem with that perception?

Slightly closer to accurate perception:














The problem is, in many ways, the human brain has only one scale and we stretch or compress things to fit it. We perceive the now, the past, and the future to be things that can be compared side by side. The problem is that even if you are only looking at a tiny portion of the past it is still HUGE. The same goes for the future. The present is an amazingly finite thing, but it also everything that currently exists.  The past and the future are enormous and composed of many many presents. Our brain is not good at perceiving things on scales so large and so small so it just picks a size. As we stand back to look at another time and take in the whole picture the detail is lost. The details and "irrelevant" data that fills any current moment blend together into something much simpler and grand.

When we look at the big picture of the past, or our vision of the future we see something epic and exciting. Something full of meaning. What we see when we look at the present is an endless sea of meaningless details. I becomes easy to idealize the past and future. And then we can imagine that our impact on either would be greater than anything we could do in the stagnant chaos around us now.

Even when looking at something so small as our own lifespan we do this. We see our youth as a whole, comparable to our present, but holding much more power over our life. Even our own past is composed of many many 'current' moments and it is rare that any one of them really had more power than the one we inhabit now. Of course that one moment could have changed the course of events and lead to a vastly different present, but we tend to think of JUST that moment and not all of the ones after it we would have had to make different choices. To make different choices now and in the next 'now' and the next would add up to just as much influence. We can't take back the past but our control on our present is no weaker than it was in the past and it won't get any stronger in the future.

Religion and all that jazz

I really don't understand religion a lot of the time. Not because I believe that suffering in the world precludes the possibility of a loving God but because of the incomprehensible way many religious people combine those two factors in their personal belief system. So much of what I see of Christianity especially has to do with God being a personal guardian and caretaker of sorts. I am constantly seeing the attitude of "if God closes a door He opens a window" or "It will be okay in the end, if it's not okay it's not the end" or constant references to trusting that what appears to be pain and suffering is really just part of a plan where you will be happy in the end.

However, it seems impossible to deny that this is not the case for many many people. There are undeniably  devout people who suffer miserable circumstances all of their lives, people who never lost faith in God who die alone and in misery. There are so many cases where there is clearly no window for the door that closed and the end came when things were clearly not okay.

There are two different reactions to this from the faithful. One is that it is all part of God's plan. The second option is that those injustices are due to the failure of human beings and that God could not prevent such things without robbing us of free will. Both can be rational explanations and do not defy logic in and of themselves, but the behavior of those that believe in those explanations confuses me to no end.

If you are a follower of the first explanation (that unspeakable, permanent suffering can be part of God's plan) then I do not understand the quotes and sayings about trusting that your life will get better. Perhaps God's plan will involve you becoming happy in the end, but perhaps not. There seems to be a thick level of denial that God's plan could ever be bad for you personally. But if God loves everyone equally and if many faithful have never received happiness on earth then that may very well be your fate too. This explanation strips faith of almost all comfort and sense of safety. God is not a caretaker, but a force trying to bring the universe to some divine end, sometimes at the expense of all earthly happiness for some of His children. Given the possibility of heavenly comfort and reward and the greater good assumed to be accomplished by that earthly suffering I can accept that this could be compatible with a loving and just God. I just don't understand His follower's attitude and behavior if that is indeed the case. I could understand this explanation if adherents did not seem to equate absolute faith if God with absolute faith that their life will turn out for the better. With this type of belief, absolute faith in God would mean the very real possibility that your life will turn out terribly no matter how you live your life or how much you believe. It will be for a greater purpose you don't understand, but it may still be horrible. Believers are behaving in a very contradictory way every time they assure someone that a situation will end well if they have faith and let God work in their lives.

The other explanation for extreme suffering is that it is not part of God's plan, but is rather caused by human failings. Here again, faith is stripped of it's comfort and safety because if God could not prevent others from suffering due to human created conditions, you are no different. There may be ways God can help but there may not be. Again, the saying that God will open a window or that it will turn out okay in the end if you just have faith is rendered a truth only true for some. Again, this does not preclude the possibility of a loving God, but it again makes the behavior of many believers nonsensical. You cannot just "let go and let God" and trust in him as they advocate. You certainly can maintain faith of God and in His love for you, but much of the outcome becomes the responsibility of human beings and of yourself. Also, if the unspeakable suffering of others is not God's plan then the lack of attention to fighting such conditions in the world is inexcusable. If God's children are suffering and dying in ways he never intended, how man one prioritize anything over the pursuit of social justice in the world?

What I see is the subconscious belief that we are special. That those that suffer are somehow different than yourself and those you are close to. God's plans are different for those types of people or that the human caused suffering they endure just isn't that bad somehow. It's out of your control but not God's fault either.

I can understand believing in God, but I simply do not understand most religions and most of their followers. There are some within those religions who show the sobered attitude and sense of urgency one would expect given the world view they adhere to, but they seem so rare and there seem to be just as many non-Christian or non-religious people with their dedication to the world.

I don't think religion is a bad thing and I don't think a belief in God is irrational. But when I hear someone say that everything will be okay or that I need to keep faith and in God's plan for my life, I simply cannot take them seriously, not even by measuring their advice against their own beliefs rather than my own.

And we're back....

Relationships and jobs have come and gone but I'm going to try once more. Promises have been made and I need a change so blog I shall again. I wish I'd kept it up during all that time because the times we're too busy for this kind of thing are the times that are actually interesting. I must remember that.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is a made-up holiday that invariably makes most people at least moderately miserable most of the time... yes there are some good years...a few exceptions to the rule (for people besides me apparently)....but ultimately.... valentine's day is an imaginary friennemy.



bitch....

Happy Birthday Aki!!!

Oh, and by the way, Saturday we celebrated Aki's birthday (which was actually on Sunday and now I'm writing about it on Monday).

We went to the Native American Museum in DC which was pretty interesting. My only true issue was the following:

I mean.....seriously?????


But anyway, the decay of American culture aside, we had a great time and I got lots of walking in. Sunday was still a bust in terms of fitness but it always is...

Saturday was also kind of nice because some of my friends got to meet my new date. It was a bit of a culture clash and I started wondering myself why I haven't cultivated closer relationships with a few non-church members to round out the group, but everyone seemed to have good impressions of each other.

Pissed

Things are always just easier when I'm by myself. I'm comfortable with it and I know exactly how to handle myself and my life. It works. It's really easy to convince myself I prefer it. Nothing bugs me more than moments I have to admit I don't.

I was raised to be able to handle being alone. On the one hand I'm grateful, after seeing friends define themselves by their relationships, lose themselves in the search, or measure themselves by their success or failure with other people. On the other hand, I have never been so fucking pissed about anything. A) Because a lot of it didn't feel like a choice, and B) no extreme is healthy, even if it involves less risk and drama.

So I'm angry, I'm angry I missed out. Oddly I'm most angry that I missed out on being angry. I missed out on being a teenager and telling my parents what rotten parents they were for messing me up. I missed out on that consequence, guilt free anger where I could just believe they were screw ups and I was entitled to better. But I'm not a teenager now and kicking my parents for sacrificing everything to do what they thought was best for me is not the cathartic outlet it could have been back then. I can't ignore the upside to what they did, all the things they were hoping for when they made those choices. And more than anything else I can't do that to them. I missed that stage of life where it was about what I needed. I missed out on it being about me and now all it would end up being is me kicking them when they can't handle it anymore, when they need me.

I can't even say I'd go back and change anything. I can't say I wish I was much different. I just wish I was better at things and that my life was a bit different, and frankly that's totally my issue and no one else's. Not to mention, if that's the worst thing I have to complain about then I'm just a total pussy.

And we're back

Ok, finally got back to the gym yesterday and I'm feeling pretty good again. Going again tonight and I really need to make up for some lost time :)

Maybe I'll try the hot tub afterwards - I haven't had the time or motivation to do that before....plus there's all those old ladies who are WAY too comfortable with their bodies........female only spa sounded like such a selling point when I signed up...

Anxiety

Anxiety is not an indication that anything bad is or is going to happen.

Anxiety is an emotional and physical sensation made up of numerous factors...many of which have no connection to the objective reality of a situation.

Anxiety is a valid feeling but not a valid basis for behavior.

This is my mantra for the day.....

Ugh

Snowy rainy misery.....
So many people out of the office there's no one to talk to...
Solicitors keep calling and calling and calling....
The minor precipitation will lead to an apocalyptic commute home today....

Why is the week only half over?

Must Focus Must Focus Must Focus

Ok, so it's been 3 (4?) days since I've been to the gym and I've slipped a couple blogs too.....BAD CHRISTINA!!!

Anyway, I will not lose focus!!!! (yet)

I think I need to talk about something besides fitness (because that's where my mind has been). I'm in the early stages of a new relationship (there needs to be another word for it at this state....relationship feels too weird) I mean I guess it's not a relationship yet but I think it's headed there....I find myself saddened on a deep existential level when I catch myself thinking thoughts like 'yes we spend all this time together and seem to be having an awesome time....but he still hasn't updated his relationship status on Facebook....should I ask?'
On the other hand, neither have I and there's a ton of actual 'relationship' stuff I'm desperately avoiding at the moment so......I think I might officially be 15 years old.

I am smarter than this! Good lord, of all the measures of a relationship why on earth am I worried about that one??? Why am I so freakin hesitant to relax and enjoy myself before I see that stupid little heart icon pop up in my news feed? Because I'm 15....I am totally 15 years old....shit.

Still having a blast though....

Another date tomorrow :)

(and no, a mid-week date is not a sign he's not that into you when the guy doesn't work a Mon-Fri schedule)  :-P

Super Bowl Weekend

Super Bowl!!!!

Ok, so both my goal of posting everyday and going to the gym tend to flutter out the window on the weekend in a blur of "I have plenty of time....I'll do it later today" and "Is it X o'clock already? Well at the very least I shou- zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

Saturday went ok, I was down at my weigh in but have yet to get rid offall of the 'baggage' from last week. I'm hopeful...I just have to make up for what happened the next day at the Super Bowl.....it's not a supportive environment for maintaining one's health. Oops.

Other concerns aside, the Super Bowl party was a lot of fun. We all started out in the big room with the web broadcast projected on the wall...but as anyone who saw that knows, television's distaste for internet broadcasting resulted in the (almost certainly intentional) complete suckiness of that option (kiss my ass Dwight Shroot, you soulless sellout.....I'd say something about the Navy Seals here too but I don't have the balls for that one). So, basically we ended up all piling into the small room with the real TV. Very cozy.

Also, poor little Aidan turned 5 that day so there was cake along with the rest of the junk food orgy. I guess I did ok under the circumstances. I just feel a little bad for Aidan....I get annoyed enough at careless parents who have children on or near Christmas, but the Super Bowl??? If you truly loved him you would have induced a week or two early so the poor kid doesn't have to share his special day with people who's attentions are most certainly elsewhere.

Anticipation

Tomorrow I weigh in again.....after last week's devastating GAIN despite going to the gym every day.

So I'm sitting here and occasionally my thoughts wander to that.....every so often the random co-worker might cock their head to the side wondering if they just heard an ever so quietly uttered expletive....But overall....I'm actually feeling pretty good.

I have no idea why I'm so hesitant to talk about other things on this little blog right now - especially since at this point only one other person even knows about it....but I just am. I like being in my own head....it's safe in there.....messed up to be sure, but it's my own personal messed up and I'm comfortable in there.

I'm not supposed to feel that way. I'm not supposed to be suspicious and weirded out by the fact that I'm happy lately.....I'm not supposed to say "supposed to" when it comes to feelings because there "is no right or wrong" when it comes to emotions (just actions).........this is the nonsensical back and forth a psychology degree will get you.....that and a job as a receptionist  (unless of course you do all the volunteering/interning in college I totally should have done....sigh.....working on my plan B...more on that later I guess)

Ah, there's that melancholy I'm so comfortable with....Hmmmm....nope, actually still pretty happy right now.

Fail

My gym provides towels so you don't have to bring your own...

Pros: Don't have to bring your own towels, very convienient, don't have to take wet towel home with you, less laundry etc etc etc

Con: The possibility of forgetting to pick up a towel when you go to shower and having to make that awkward post-shower decision whether to try drying off with your gym cloths or make the soaking-wet-in-your-work-cloths walk of shame back to your locker.

:-)

Boys can be pretty nice when they want to be.......Last night started with me locking my keys in my car and it still went really well....maybe I should try doing that again.

Damn you Monday!!!!

Ok, so I succumbed to the Mondayitis...somewhere between work and the gym (about 0.7 miles away) I found some BS excuse not to go.....later that evening, wracked with guilt, I ended up taking my teeny-tiny little dog on a 2 mile walk in the cold....which was fun for him for maybe the first mile. I didn't enjoy it much more than he did but it eased my conscience. It also got my steps up to a respectable level, though not my goal. My office is having a "Walk-Fit" competition where we all wear pedometers ("mini-peds" or "peds" if you will) that upload our steps for the day to the computer. So far I've actually been doing well.....when I go to the gym I usually manage 2nd or 3rd place....right behind (no surprise) the skinny guy who runs marathons and is training for a race and (very surprisingly) the older gentleman with the cane in the tax department who apparently wakes up at 3am everyday and covers a shocking amount of ground before sunrise.

I would say I would make up for my Monday fail by staying extra long at the gym tongiht but that's not going to happen........I have a date :)  

So.....basically Wednesday is going to be my gym-atonement day....Hazzah!!!

Gym Days.....

I refuse to believe I am losing steam already...it's just Monday and the two days I spent away from the gym this weekend already have me doubting that I will feel better if I go today.....I must resist.

But it is Monday and Mondays are icky and I don't feel like blogging much more than my promised sentence or two. But to keep a little momentum I will re-post the one and only entry from a former attempt to start blogging which was (big coincidence) also from a time I was trying to jump-start the exercise habit.

5/9/11 - Gym Days

by Christina Weber on Monday, May 9, 2011 at 2:19pm

The joys of beginning a new health regiment are indescribable aren't they? There's so much energy and sense of purpose. The humble pair of sneakers now hold a place of honor in your mind and are laced up with pride as you head out the door. They no longer carry you on mere errands or late night 711 runs. Now they carry you forward to the new you.  The running shoes shall see their purpose fulfilled, the sweatpants shall now be sweated upon, your gym bag will finally see it's homeland. It is the dawning of your new life.

With your trusty headphones at your side, you enter the lair of the machines. The inevitable twinges of apprehension rise within you as you look out on row after row of finely tuned machines and the finely tuned people on them. But this is no time for timidness, you will soon be one of them, and you will appreciate the fruits of your success far more than they appreciate their own.From across the room you eye a cardio machine, knowing that it shall be yours...knowing it shall bear you to victory.

Memories of sitting on the couch are of a distant past. How silly that you ever hesitated to do this, how absurd the thought that you might ever quit. Even as your heart begins to pound and your breath quickens, defeat is impossible. In your mind's eye, visions of your future flash before you. Great races are won against impossible odds, competitions finished and medals obtained in spite of gruesome injuries. So difficult to watch... but so inspiring. Foes are defeated, criminals caught, women and children rescued from the clutches of disaster using implausibly gym-related skills. You know how silly it all is as you suppress the smirk on your face. You know these things will never happen. But if they did.....

And now onwards to feats of strength. For yes, it's true you have finished your cardio red in the face and panting as others around you continue with what appears to be their warmup. However, while not as sleek and graceful as some others, you are sturdy and strong. You are the (future) winner of races and defeater of foes and your flabby body is but a temporary encumbrance, a shell containing a new self, the likes of which those joggers have never imagined.

And so you approach your next conquest, prepared for the struggle and for the sweet taste of victory. But today is a special day. This is the day you will come to truly understand that there is a time and a place for everything. There is a time and a place for competitiveness and enthusiasm...but that time and place is not when you're on the inner-thigh machine. For, as it turns out, pride go-eth before a broken crotch....and the new you walks like you're recovering from giving birth to a porcupine.

Sundays

What is it about Sundays that makes you want to lay in bed and pretend that the outside world doesn't exist? What is it about Sundays that makes putting on your pants (let alone your shoes) such a grueling and abhorrent possibility? What is it about Sundays that makes ordering pizza seem like such a good idea?

Frikin Sundays....

Oh well, it wasn't too bad I suppose....I got a decent amount done around the house and managed to force myself out the door to the grocery store. There were some other stores and activities that were supposed to get my attention but I can always just do those after a long day at work (and a trip to the gym) on a weekday....that's not going to suck right?

I highly anticipate posts this week having a "planning and time management are the keys to success" theme.

>:-(

Ok, so my strategy for this week has been to establish the workout habit and not worry too much about the food for now. This strategy was probably not best for the week we were having catered meetings everyday at work.


Bad strategy! Bad! No! Don't do that again!

I know in the long run it's not a big thing and the exercise and endorphins are their own reward.... but it's never a good thing to have that out of body experience where you watch yourself insist that the little tiny lady behind the counter at Weight Watchers check the scale again....just to be absolutely sure.

I'm fine. This week was worth it. I'm still feeling good.....

Seriously.....I'm.....fine.......this....is .....goo-
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

Ok now....I'm ok. It's all good.......feeling good....in control....feeling....
SERIOUSLY?????? SHIT!!!!!

It's going to be good....it will be much better next week. It's cool.

It's all good.........

Day 2, hurray!!!!

Wow, a second post! We're already further along than I often get when I decide to do these things. I think I need to commit to posting at least one sentence a day just to form the habit. Seriously, how can I justify not doing that.......stay tuned, you're likely to find out.

Anyhoo.....One of the things I've mustered up some enthusiasm about recently is exercising. I started a couple weeks ago and I am snuggled securely in the warm embrace of the honeymoon period of that commitment. It's awesome....exercise endorphins without the feeling of walking to the gallows every time I make that left turn into the gym parking lot. It's beautiful....that brief period of blissful ignorance where you can't imagine quitting and wonder why you ever thought it was hard before......if only you'd known it was this easy you'd already be a size 6. It's so adorable what idiots we can be in this stage isn't it?

I just have to keep reminding myself not to confuse the ease of walking into the gym I have right now with the good feelings I have walking out - the two will soon separate and I will begin to tell myself it will just make me more tired and cranky if I go. I will say I don't have the energy to deal with it after a long day.....I have a big day tomorrow and I can't be tired, and since I feel so exhausted just thinking about going to the gym, surely actually working out would make me catatonic. I just have to keep remembering that's not true. I need to remember that the feeling you have walking out is utterly separate and vastly different than that sinking feeling you often have walking in.....I must remember.....I need that little voice in my head to stay.......actually I need a great big voice with some lightning and thunder telling me that, a lion-king-esque dealy with a big James Earl Jones voice chanting 'REMEMBER...Remember....remember............."

Well, that's unlikely to happen....I'll just need to keep reminding myself not get too high off the honeymoon stage so I don't crash as hard.

Wish me luck.

FIRST!!!!

So here we go.....first post of a new blog. It should be interesting, witty, and inspiring.... but I'm actually a bit loathed to talk about all the things I'm starting and getting excited about. It's completely counter-intuitive given the nature of blogs or diaries I know, but frankly, I've been excited before and decided to record the moment for posterity only to immediately lose steam and leave the remnants of my great ambitions floating around in the cyber abyss.

The fact is I am excited right now. I am determined to do a great many things and change my life in a great many ways. I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time and want to share that - but it's also a state of being that I'm feeling strangely protective of right now. Enthusiasm is a rare companion for me recently (well...typically, if I'm being honest) and I don't want to leave it orphaned out in the internet if my will to blog begins to wain.

But, as a rational human, being I know it doesn't work like that....feelings and ideas grow when shared and even if the internet doesn't prove to be the place where that sticks, I should try to share it whenever I can. 

 However, I also know that a key to successfully keeping up a new regimen is to not overdo it in the beginning....this post is long enough for a first entry so I guess I'll just have to make sure I come back and start talking about the real stuff later.