Dec 19th 2012

The very day after my new determination I completely sabotaged myself. I undermined virtually everything I had committed to do differently. The only positive about today is that I'm going to face it on paper tonight, own up to it and move past it tomorrow. Now I'm going to drink wine and watch a documentary or "Arrested Development".

I don't know why today was such a bust, including the fact that it's 7:30pm and I don't feel like I can do anything but go to bed. The last couple weeks have been hard. I've helped move my father to a full time care facility because of early onset dementia and have watched him lose virtually everything that made him the person he was. Within 2 weeks we also found out that my mom has cancer and are waiting on results that will tell us if it will just be radiation or if it is extensive and will need chemo. I wonder if I'm being too hard on myself but also recognize that these worries to not make me to busy to do positive things and succumbing to the need to tune out and escape does nothing for anyone, least of all myself.

I have wished for too long that my life was different. I have to change it. It is with great self-disgust that I make plans to do that tomorrow. It has always been tomorrow. I have to be better than this.